i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
