I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
