My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
