My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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