the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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