I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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