Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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