Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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