sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
