I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
