This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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