I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
