I heard we made out
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
