I think I can smell my own vagina right now
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
