just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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