I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He did a backflip because drugs
i out mim tonsoeep
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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