so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
