you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
