Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
