There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
