I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
