My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
