There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
