This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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