I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
