Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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