I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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