Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
