are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
