Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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