I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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