life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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