My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
