Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
