i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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