dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
