i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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