My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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