Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
