Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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