I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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