True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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