I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
