I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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