Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
