I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
