im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
