nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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