I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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