if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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