omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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